This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Randomize
