We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I need to align my fucking chakras
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
