I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Randomize
