New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
