3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
