I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
