Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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