Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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