chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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