I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize