There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
