apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
