Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize