i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I lost the right to judge tonight
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
