just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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