Can i not drive my cunt home
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
