Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
