Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
