Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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