I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
