is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize