Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
