At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
