So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
