So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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