apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
