One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
