she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I am one with the molecules
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
