My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize