I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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