Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
