I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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