I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
