I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm at about main and main street
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize