my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
