I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Randomize
