I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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