I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize