You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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