Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
