I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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