Please, let me fuck your mom
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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