I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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