I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
