If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
