i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
