I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
