i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
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