I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
