I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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