i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
