So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
