Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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