If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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