I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Randomize
