just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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