I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
