If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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