trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
