two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
